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|The parrot with a bad attitude!|
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was
fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every
other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
|Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.|
|How to impress a woman ... How to impress a man|
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
|What, Where, How...|
National Dyslexics Association.
A pool table.
25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
and what kind of lettuce?
A nervous wreck.
Anyone can roast beef.
They all have phones.
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Because they have big fingers.
They take the psycho path.
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
|Business as usual|
A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers he has wandered off course and
is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down
on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 10 meters above this field."
"You must work in information technology" says the balloonist.
"Yes I do" replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same situation you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
|HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:|
|Why does the farmer want a divorce??!!|
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
|Mother of Six ... Father of Four|
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
|A Vampire Covered In Blood!|
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?" he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
|Excerpts From Letters To Landlords|
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