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|True Telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K|
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of ! the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A tedd! y bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in! Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over ! 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
|A Real Friend Test|
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders
soggy from your tears & a dry cleaning bill to prove it.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book & a piture of then on their wall.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you knock down a couple shots, helps cook and stays late to help you clean out the liquor cabinet.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long, a booty call might have been in order.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems and then gossips about you behind your back.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it, sell you on the internet, & make a considerable profit (Shhhh.....I plead the 5th...K.O.)
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend buys you a drink at the club. A real friend holds your hair for you while you're getting sick at the club.
A simple friend or a simple sister thinks the friendship is over when you HAVE an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight 5 years later.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you and charges by the hour!
|Speaking ENglish Could Kill You !!!|
|The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the American.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
THE MEDICAL CONCLUSION IS;
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
|Why I Need a Quick Divorce!!|
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
|Man Lives with Dead Brother for 18 Months|
Man Lives with Dead Brother for 18 MonthsLONDON (Reuters) - A British retiree did not notice his brother had been dead for 18 months despite sharing a mobile home with him.
When Herbert Silver, 72, finally called police and told them his brother George, 75, had died, they went to the bachelors' home expecting to find a body. Instead they found a skeleton, British newspapers reported Thursday.
"I admit that I didn't go into his room for a few hours, a few days...well quite a while actually," Herbert Silver told the Daily Telegraph.
Silver said he had thought it a "bit odd" when his brother failed to emerge from his bedroom in the tiny home they shared in Blissford, southern England, but told the Daily Mirror:
"George liked to keep himself to himself, and to be honest so do I." A postmortem indicated George Silver had been dead for up to 18 months.
|Its Good To Be A Man|
|Why ... From comedian Steven Wright|
|Excerpts from Medica Records|
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.
|Favourite chocolate chip cookies|
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
|Computers: Male or Female?|
A high school language instructor was explaining to her class that in French,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine
"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
|Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?|
|Children and Proverbs|
A first-grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at least they claim to be ACTUAL statements. You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
|$ubliminal College Letter|
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$, and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I
need. $o you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task. You can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad ---
|In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte|
|20 SIGNS THAT YOU HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's|
|Beg, Beg.com, eBeg|
Three beggars were begging in New York City.
The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received ten dollars after one day.
The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he received hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ.
The third one wrote "ebeg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free hardware and professional consulting while Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that ebeg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix a b2b industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the beggar. Cisco just announced that virtually all ebeg traffic runs over their equipment.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, and as per Germany's requests, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' vil be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to oza kombinations of letas.
After ziz fifz yer ve vil have a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu anderstand ech oza. Ze drem of an united urop vil finali kum tru!
|Accordionist and Horseback Riding|
An accordionist decides to try horseback riding even though he has had no
lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and
the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the accordion player begins to slip from the
In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally giving up his frail grip, he leaps away from the horse to try and throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup; he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune the Wal-mart manager sees him and shuts the horse off.
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