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* Honey... What in the world did you do today??
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."


* Dear Lord I need $100!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:

Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Love, Tommy


* Email Consequences!!
As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE


* Forrest Gump and St. Peter
Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. At the pearly gates he met St. Peter who told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on the earth and that admittance required the Heavenly Soul not only to have lived a good life but to answer three questions:
  1. Name two days of the week that begin with the letter "T"
  2. How many seconds are in a year?
  3. What's God's first name?
Forrest thought and thought and said I know the two days of the week that begin with the letter "T" are today and tomorrow.

St. Peter said, "Although that was not the answer he was expecting, he would allow it."

Then, Forrest said, there are twelve seconds in a year.

St. Peter gulped. "Okay, how do you figure there are only twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,..."

"Okay, okay," said St. Peter. "I'll give you that one too. What about the third question?"

Forrest thought some more. "Well, it's either Andy or Howard."

St. Peter sighed in exasperation. "And just how did you arrive at those names?"

"You know," replied Forrest, "from the song. Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...." Forrest said.

Then he added, "and from the prayer, Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be Thy name..."

St. Peter welcomed him in without another word.


* Kids Advice
  • "Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
  • "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid? 'don't answer." Hannah, 9
  • "Never tell your mom her diet's not working. " Michael,14
  • "Stay away from prunes. " Randy, 9
  • "Never pee on an electric fence. " Robert, 13
  • "Don't squat with your spurs on. " Noronha, 13
  • "Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. " Emily,10
  • "When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. " Taylia,11
  • "Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14
  • "Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers. " Mitchell,12
  • "Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac. " Andrew, 9
  • "Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. " Kyoyo, 9
  • "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. " Armir, 9
  • "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. " Kellie, 11
  • "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. " Naomi, 15
  • "Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. " Lauren, 9
  • "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel,10
  • "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. " Alyesha, 13
  • "Never try to baptize a cat. " Eileen, 8


* The State of British Education
For those of you groaning at the current state of U.S. students, here is cheer in the form of selections from U.K. student papers. This is a compilation of actual UK high school student exam answers...
  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
  3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
  4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. President Clinton would have liked to live in those days.
  5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
  6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man with the same name.
  7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.
  9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
  10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
  11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
  12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twicefor the same offence.
  13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
  14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
  15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
  16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
  17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and terectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
  18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
  20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
  21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the titution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
  23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
  24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
  25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
  26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
  27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
  28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
  29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
  30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
  31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
  32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
  33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an analist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.


* US Air Force Maintenance Log!
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

   (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
   (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

   (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
   (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

   (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
   (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal -
       #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

   (P) Something loose in cockpit
   (S) Something tightened in cockpit

   (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
   (S) Evidence removed

   (P) DME volume unbelievably loud
   (S) Volume set to more believable level

   (P) Dead bugs on windshield
   (S) Live bugs on order

   (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
   (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

   (P) IFF inoperative
   (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

   (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
   (S) That's what they're there for

   (P) Number three engine missing
   (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

   (P) Aircraft handles funny
   (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

   (P) Target Radar hums
   (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics


* Y Zero K Problem
Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind....

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.

If you have any ideas please let me know.

Plutonius


* Signs from different parts of the world
Bucharest hotel lobby
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
Belgrade hotel elevator
"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a numbern of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
Paris hotel elevator
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
Hotel in Athens
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily."
Yugoslavian hotel
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
Japanese hotel
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
Moscow hotel
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous russian and soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily, except thursday."
Menu of Swiss restaurant
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
Hong Kong taylor shop
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
Bangkok dry cleaners
"Drop your trousers here for best results."
Rhodes taylor shop
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
From Soviet Weekly
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
Sign posted in Germany's Black Forest
"It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married to eachother for that purpose."
Hong Kong dentist add
"Teeth extracted by the latest methodists."
Zurich hotel
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for that purpose."
Rome laundy
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
Add for donkey rides in Thailand
"Would you like to ride on your ass? "
Swiss mountain inn
"Special today - No ice-cream."
Bangkok temple
"It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if dressed as a man."
Tokyo bar
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
Copenhagen airline ticket office
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
Norwegian cocktail lounge
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Budapest zoo
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Office of a Roman doctor
"Specialist on women and other diseases."
Acapulco hotel
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."


* Today's Stock Market Report:

Today's Stock Market Report:

  • Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
  • Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
  • Knives were up sharply.
  • Cows steered into a bull market.
  • Pencils lost a few points.
  • Hiking equipment was trailing.
  • Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
  • Weights were up in heavy trading.
  • Light switches were off.
  • Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
  • Diapers remained unchanged.
  • Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
  • The market for raisins dried up.
  • Coca Cola fizzled.
  • Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
  • Sun peaked at midday.
  • Balloon prices were inflated.
  • Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
  • And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

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