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* If Microsoft Made Cars

Sometimes nothing is as funny as the truth.

From Car and Driver, Feb. 1996

10 Things That Would Be Different If Microsoft Started Building Cars:

  1. particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
  4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a CAR 95 or a CAR NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable and five times as fast--but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
  8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
  9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
  10. The new seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.

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* Believe It or Not

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

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* Famous and Interesting Quotations

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* Twelve Bugs of Christmas

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* sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillys

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* Do-It-Yourself Country Western Songs

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* Second Annual Highly UnScientific Dilbert Survey

This year many companies performed surveys of employee satisfaction. Based on what I've heard, it seems that the questions on these surveys don't really get to the heart of real job dissatisfaction. That shortcoming is addressed here in the Second Annual Highly Unscientific Dilbert Survey.

Please select **one** answer and send it by December 15th to: DilbertSurvey@unitedmedia.com

Question: If you had a chance to hit your boss in the back of the head with one of the following objects, with no risk of getting caught, which would you choose?

  1. "Nerf" ball (just for fun)
  2. Large bean burrito (playful, with a touch of cruelty)
  3. Ripe melon (because of the cool sound it would make)
  4. Framed certificate of appreciation (just your way of saying "thanks")
  5. The outdated computer you are forced to use. (because it must be good for SOMETHING)
  6. Your last performance review, including the 600 pound file cabinet where you keep it (to show how motivated you are now)
  7. All of your co-workers, bound by duct tape and flung from a huge catapult. (it might take a few tries to get the aim just right)
  8. Ford Pinto with a full tank of gas (just to see what all the hype was about)

    (Note: This is strictly academic. I do NOT encourage the destruction of perfectly good burritos.)


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