Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Famous and Interesting Quotations

• "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

• "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

• "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

• "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

• "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

• "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

• "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnigh

• "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

• "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

• "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

• "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

• "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

• "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

• "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

• "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

• "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

• "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

• "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

• "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

• "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

• "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

• "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

• "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates

• "A sweater is a garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly."

• "It isn't faith that makes good science, Mr. Klaatu, It's curiosity." -- Prof. Jacob Barnhardt , ("The Day the Earth Stood Still")

• "Will uninstall Windows 95 for food!", Seen on a sign, held up by a derelict person.

• "If a driver behind you has patience, he's admirable, if the driver in front of you has patience, he's a jerk" Baffy (Ryan)

Twelve Bugs of Christmas

•  At the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        See if they can do it again.
        
   At the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
        
   At the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        Try to reproduce it
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
        
   At the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        Run with the debugger
        Try to reproduce it
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
  
   At the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
        Run with the debugger
        Try to reproduce it
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
        
   At the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        Reinstall the software
        *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
        Run with the debugger
        Try to reproduce it
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
        
   At the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        Say they need an upgrade
        Reinstall the software
        *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
        Run with the debugger
        Try to reproduce it
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
        
   At the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        Find a way around it
        Say they need an upgrade
        Reinstall the software
        *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
        Run with the debugger
        Try to reproduce it
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
        
   At the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        Blame it on the hardware
        Find a way around it
        Say they need an upgrade
        Reinstall the software
        *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
        Run with the debugger
        Try to reproduce it
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
  
   At the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        Change the documentation
        Blame it on the hardware
        Find a way around it
        Say they need an upgrade
        Reinstall the software
        *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
        Run with the debugger
        Try to reproduce it
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
        
   At the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        Say it's not supported
        Change the documentation
        Blame it on the hardware
        Find a way around it
        Say they need an upgrade
        Reinstall the software
        *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
        Run with the debugger
        Try to reproduce it
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
        
   At the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
        Tell them it's a feature
        Say it's not supported
        Change the documentation
        Blame it on the hardware
        Find a way around it
        Say they need an upgrade
        Reinstall the software
        *** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
        Run with the debugger
        Try to reproduce it
        Ask them how they did it ... and
        See if they can do it again.
        
  

sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillys

• "Time of our life....  "
  -----------------------
  (sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillys)
  
  Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed,
  A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
  But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
  He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
  
  VAX that is ... CRT's ... Workstations;
  
  Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
  The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
  They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
  So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
  Motorola that is ...  dry heat ... no amusement parks;
  
  On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
  Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
  They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
  Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
  OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory
  
  The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
  Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
  They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
  They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
  Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life
  
  Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
  Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
  Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
  Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
  Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...
  

Do-It-Yourself Country Western Songs

 Whether or not you listen to country,
 you can pick out the truth in this humor.

 Do-it-yourself CW songs

  I met her __________  _____;  I can still recall _________
               (1)       (2)                          (3)
 
  1.                      2.                      3.
  on the highway          in September            that purple dress
  in Sheboygan            at McDonald's           that little hat
  outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
  at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators        those training pants
  on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods
  in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
  in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the Stassin pin
  incognito               with joggers            the neon sign
  in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
  in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin       the hearing aid
  in a gay bar            dead all over           the boxer shorts
 
  she wore; She was ______  _____,
                      (4)    (5)
 
  4.                                  5
  sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
  drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
  weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
  breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
  crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
  smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
  crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
  chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
  talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
  drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
  slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu
 
 
  and I knew _______;
               (6)
 
  6.
  no guy would ever love her more
  that she would be an easy score
  she'd bought her dentures in a store
  that she would be a crashing bore
  I'd never rate her more than "4"
  they'd hate her guts in Baltimore
  it was a raven, nothing more
  we really lost the last World War
  I'd have to scrape her off the floor
  what strong deodorants were for
  that she was rotten to the core
  that I would upchuck on the floor
 
 
  _______ I'd ______ forever;
    (7)        (8)
 
  7.                      8.
  I knew deep down        warp her mind
  She asked me if         swear off booze
  I told her shrink       change my sex
  The judge declared      punch her out
  I promised her          stay with her
  Her rabbi said          salivate
  The blood test showed   play "Go Fish"
  My hamster thought      pick my nose
  A Klingon said          hate her dog
  The painters knew       stay a dwarf
  I shrieked in pain      have my rash
  My Pooh Bear said       live off her

  She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
                  (9)                               (10)
 
  9.                           10.
  our love would never die     run off
  there was no other guy       wind up
  man wasn't meant to fly      boogie
  that Nixon didn't lie        yodel
  her basset hound was shy     sky dive
  that Rolaids made her high   turn green
  she'd have a swiss on rye    freak out
  she loved my one blue eye    blast off
  her brother's name was Hy    make it
  she liked "Spy vs. Spy"      black out
  that birthdays made her cry  bobsled
  she couldn't stand my tie    grovel
 
  ___________; _________ goodbye.
     (11)        (12)
 
  11.                         12.
  with my best friend       You'd think at least that she'd have said
    in my Edsel               I never had the chance to say
    on a surfboard            She told her dumb friend Grace to say
    on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
    with her dentist          I guess I was too smashed to say
    on her "Workmate"         I watched her melt away and sobbed
    with a robot              She fell beneath the wheels and cried
    with no clothes on        She sent a hired thug to say
    at her health club        She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
    in her Maytag             I pushed her off the bridge and waved
    with her guru             But that's the way that pygmies say
    while in labor            She sealed me in the vault and smirked.

Second Annual Highly UnScientific Dilbert Survey

This year many companies performed surveys of employee satisfaction. Based on what I've heard, it seems that the questions on these surveys don't really get to the heart of real job dissatisfaction. That shortcoming is addressed here in the Second Annual Highly Unscientific Dilbert Survey.

Please select **one** answer and send it by December 15th to: DilbertSurvey@unitedmedia.com

Question: If you had a chance to hit your boss in the back of the head with one of the following objects, with no risk of getting caught, which would you choose?

1. "Nerf" ball (just for fun)
2. Large bean burrito (playful, with a touch of cruelty)
3. Ripe melon (because of the cool sound it would make)
4. Framed certificate of appreciation (just your way of saying "thanks")
5. The outdated computer you are forced to use. (because it must be good for SOMETHING)
6. Your last performance review, including the 600 pound file cabinet where you keep it (to show how motivated you are now)
7. All of your co-workers, bound by duct tape and flung from a huge catapult. (it might take a few tries to get the aim just right)
8. Ford Pinto with a full tank of gas (just to see what all the hype was about)

   (Note: This is strictly academic. I do NOT encourage the destruction of perfectly good burritos.)

---

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