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* Words Not Yet in the Dictionary
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster the elevator will arrive.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

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* CAT Rules*
LICK-IT DIET Let them open another can of food. Lick-it dry. Smear it around the dish then turn your nose up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and look at it with disdain, meaning; you don't expect me to eat this dry crap, do you?
RUG BURN Take chunks of food from the plate and drop it on the rug just inside the living room. This is always good to burn them up.
THE SMELL OF HELL Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what is this crap?"
WHERE'S MY MILK? Sit in front of the fridge with your back to them. Be patient because sometimes they won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making you wait, they'll give you the heavy cream.
CONFUSION SAY Yes, I know I ate some of that this morning, but that was this morning. I don't want any more of that. Make them open another can of something different. Always keep them confused about your diet.
REDECORATE A few spots of dried food look great on the baseboard. The harder it gets, the harder they work!
BIRDS & MICE AND THINGS NOT NICE Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!
INDECISION Sit at the screen door looking out. They almost always think you want to go out. Run away when they open the door. Three or four times is enough to drive them up the wall.
IN AND OUT Sit looking at the doorknob. When they open the door, take your time. Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. Most of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For a real treat, after several minutes, back into the room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?
PEE TIME Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.
FOIL & TOIL A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old lady is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle at her backside. After all, they don'[t understand our language anyhow.
WALKING The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
DOGS Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for life.
BARF.... If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a Laundromat and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilter, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.
ANOTHER CAT? No way! Establish your territory early. Make that intruder respect you. He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they give him any attention.
BATHROOMS Always sit just around the corner of the door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":
  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table.
  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  3. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
  4. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
  5. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
PAPER BAGS Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
SCRATCHING POSTS The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention. Hassocks are also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
HUMANS Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

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* Women's Guide To Driving Men Crazy!!

  1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
  2. Be ambigious. Always.
  3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
  4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends. Make them apologize for everything.
  5. Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
  6. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
  7. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile. (haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)
  8. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
  9. Get mad at them for everything.
  10. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
  11. Hold grudges.
  12. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
  13. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
  14. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess.
  15. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
  16. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
  17. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
  18. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
  19. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
  20. Fall for your FAC. (I don't know what this is)
  21. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
  22. Correct their grammar.
  23. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
  24. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
  25. Leave out the good parts in stories.
  26. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
  27. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
  28. Declare that you are not wacko. Criticize the way they dress.
  29. Criticize the music they listen to.
  30. Criticize their hair.
  31. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
  32. Try to change them.
  33. Try to mold them.
  34. Try to get them to dance.
  35. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
  36. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
  37. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
  38. Blame everything on PMS.
  39. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
  40. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
  41. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
  42. Read into everything.
  43. Over-analyze everything.
  44. Make it your goal to make them cry.
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* How many ... does it take to change a light bulb?

  • Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
    A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

  • Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.

  • Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.

  • Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.

  • Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: None. The invisible hand does it.
    A: None. "There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the lightbulb lighting up again."
    A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!

  • Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
    A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
    A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
    A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

  • Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"

  • Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
    A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
    A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.

  • Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

  • Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.

  • Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
  • Change Lightbulb WebPage
    The most comprehensive Webpage dedicated to How many ... does it take to change a light bulb!!!!

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    *"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room"!

    A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

    He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog."

    The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frogs reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

    They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says , "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frogs reply, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

    He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

    "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room"!

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    *An Engineer VS A Programmer!

    A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

    The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

    Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

    The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

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    *Where Should I go? Prison or Work??!!

    • In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
    • In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
    • In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
    • In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
    • At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    • In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
    • In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you're just ball-and-chained.
    • In prison you get your own loo. At work you have to share.
    • In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.
    • In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.
    • In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
    • In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers
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    *One Liners

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    *Who Am I? - I am the father of my mother,...

    Dear Colleagues,

    I do not accuse anybody of my death!

    I committed suicide because two more days of this life and I would not know who I am!

    You see, I had the misfortune to marry a widow who had a daughter. My father, who was a widower fell in love with this daughter of my wife. That way my wife became the mother-in-law of my father and at the same time he became my son-in-law.

    Soon after "my mother" gave birth to a boy who consequently was my half-brother, but also grandson of my wife, I was since the grandfather of my half-brother.

    Later on, my wife gave birth to a boy who was half-brother to my mother and also brother-in-law of my father and uncle of my son.

    My wife, therefore, was the mother-in-law of her own daughter, I was the father of my mother, my father and his wife are my children, and I am my own grandfather.

    As you can see my friend, I am leaving this world because I do not know anymore who I am.


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