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* Genie & Golf Course
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great]" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,

"How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies- that's amazing."

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* A Panda Joke
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich! The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, distinguished by prominent black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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* Five reasons computers must be females.....

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Five reasons computers must be males.....

5. Left to their own devices, they will just sit there and do nothing. To get them to do anything for you, you first have to turn them on. If you don't keep them turned on, they won't do anything for you.

4. They require your undivided attention. Once you start paying any attention to them, you will find them taking more and more of your attention to the point of having no time to deal with anything else.

3. When giving them instructions, the instructions have to be extremely simplified and specific. You cannot tell them that something is on the hard drive, you have to tell them exactly _where_ it is on the hard drive, and the specific steps to find it, otherwise they can't see it, the same as if you tell a male that something is in the refrigerator, if it isn't right there in front of his face, he can't see it.

2. They allow themselves to be used by anyone - to them fidelity and loyalty are just words.

1. Chances are they'll crash at a critical time, before the job is finished.

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* How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace
  • Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
  • Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
  • Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
  • Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
  • Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
  • Come to work in your pajamas.
  • Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
  • Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
  • Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
  • Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
  • Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
  • Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  • Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
  • Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
  • No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."
  • Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
  • Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
  • Grow mold in your coffee cup.
  • Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
  • When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.
  • Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
  • Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.
  • "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
  • Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.
  • Hang mistletoe over your desk.
  • Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
  • While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
  • Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
  • Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
  • For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
  • Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
  • When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

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* Top 15 Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult
15> Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.
14> Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's... Stoli, Mott's...
13> He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.
12> Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.
11> Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.
10> His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."
9> Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airport.
8> Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's "Site of the Day."
7> She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.
6> Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.
5> Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to rescue the true believers.
4> Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.
3> Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.
2> He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."

and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult...

1> Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives in a mansion; has many followe... Hey, wait a minute! That's Bill Gates!!

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* ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins:
  1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
  2. Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  7. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  9. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray tha cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
  14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  19. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
  23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  24. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
  25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

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* Things Every Man Should Know! A Guide To Dating
My boyfriend offered to cook dinner for me one night and suggested we go to a comedy club afterward. I thought it was so sweet, so I stopped off and bought the tickets to the club myself after work that evening. When I arrived at his house, the table was set for four: the two of us, plus his two FEMALE roommates. He made us late for the show and also insisted I drive to the show. The club had a two drink minimum policy and when the bill came, he took out two dollars for the one soda he drank, leaving me stuck with the rest of the $16 tab plus tip. We ended up back at his house watching TV, with his Great Dane sitting between us on the couch. The perfect end to the perfect evening. ----Alison, 23

A man who asked me out on a date took me to a restaurant for dinner and didn't say one word all through the meal. Running out of things to say, I just decided to stop talking. We went to the bar following dinner and after he had a couple of drinks, he did nothing but ask questions for 45 minutes - Is your best friend male or female? What do you and your best friend do when you go out? Do you have fun when you go out? What do you like to do with your friends? If you could do one thing that you like, what would it be? Feeling like I was under police interrogation, I told him I wanted to leave and never spoke with him again. ----Donna, 27

The day after a terrible date, the guy called me to ask what I thought of him. I told him I didn't think we got along very well and we didn't have a lot in common. He had a fit, screaming at me, telling me I was shallow and a bitch. ----Bev, 31

A date brought me to his apartment to watch a rented movie. After the movie started, he began to giggle hysterically. I asked him what was wrong, since it was a drama and not a comedy. He stated he found it funny that after 27 years, he still couldn't decide whether or not he should put his arm around me. I told him I didn't feel comfortable and left right after the movie. He walked me out to my car and said, "Well, can I have a kiss?" Now what on earth would make this guy think I would want to kiss him, if I wouldn't even let him put his arm around me? ----Liz, 22

One guy I dated was so dumb, he picked up a wrapped present, holding it out to me, and stating, "Look what I bought for my mother for Christmas." I asked him what it was and he replied, "Duh, it's perfume, can't you tell?" And he thought I was the dumb one. ----Kelli, 20

I went out with a guy that was so cheap, we went to Taco Bell for dinner and he ordered first for himself, then paid for himself. I had to order my own and pay for my own, which only amounted to about $3. ----Alicia, 22

While standing in line for a movie, my date turned to me and said, "Am I allowed to tell you that you look nice tonight?" I replied with a thank you. He said, "No, I didn't say you did, I asked you if I could tell you that you look nice." I said ok. He proceeded to tell me I looked nice and I again replied with a thank you. He responded with, "Thank you? That's it? Just thank you?" I asked him what he expected me to say and he told me I should have told him he looked nice too. My reply was, "Oh, I didn't realize you only complimented me to get one in return." ----Amy, 24

I dated a guy one time who was such a bad driver that he almost got into three different accidents that night. I decided I valued my life much more than another date with him. ----Stacy, 24

One person sent me his resume in the mail before I went out with him, just so I would know more about him. I canceled the date all together. ----Alicia, 26

I think the worst place to take a first date is to the movies, yet many guys continue to ask me to a movie on the first date. You can't talk at a theater to get to know one another, the whole possibility of hand-holding is completely awkward and the sex scenes can be embarrassing with someone you've barley spoken with. ----Tracy, 29

The biggest pet peeve I have is a guy who doesn't open doors on a first date. I doubled with a guy and his friend and went to a club. They made us leave early to be the first in line in order to see this really good band. The two men practically pushed both of us out of the way to get in the front door, letting it slam in our faces behind them. That's when I realized it is a common courtesy and respectful to open every door for a woman on the first few dates. ----Dhana, 21

I hate it when a guy tells me to leave the tip after the meal. My thought is, if you ask me out, YOU PAY the whole tab. I'll take you out next time in return. ----Tara, 31

I went out to dinner with a guy who split the bill with me completely in half and gave me change to the exact penny. I told him he should go into accounting. ----Jessica, 35

At a movie on a second date, he opened a box of raisinettes, opened his mouth, and poured the box in. I was completely grossed out. ----Chelsea, 17

Jim took me out to a movie then to a club. When we got to the ticket window, he told me he forgot to go to the mac and had no money. Later at the club, he flirted with the bar maid all night right in front of me. ----Melissa, 25

Why do men feel it is necessary to tell me about their x-girlfriends, x-fiancees, or all the women who are interested in them while we are on a first date? I feel like telling them to go back to one of them, because I certainly don't want them anymore. ----Rita, 29

Justin took me on a date then insulted me all night, about anything and everything: the hockey team I like, my clothes, that I was overweight. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't see him again. ----Renee, 21

I received a phone call from Brian asking me out on a date one night. I had already had plans. He stated, "Fine, I see how you are." I never made it to a first date with him. ----Gina, 25

I went out on a blind date with a guy I met in an Internet chat room. He was more feminine than I was. I was going to kick him if he brushed his hair or told me my lacy curtains were pretty one more time. ----Daria, 22

I was dating a guy who insisted he could put a modem into my computer and that I was too stupid to do it myself. After an hour of being unsuccessful, I kicked him out forever. It took me 15 minutes to install. ----Mary Beth, 29

Driving to a party one night, I made a wrong left turn. My date told me in a nasty tone of voice that I was a complete airhead and scatterbrain. I told him if that is what he thought, I didn't want him at the party with me. I didn't have any problems finding my way back to drop him off at home. ----Maggie, 32

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* Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women and what they really mean
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) ...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

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* Mary Had a Little Lamb...
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,

It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,

They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,

There were too many lamby clones, for Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary,

So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,

One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary...

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* All alone on an isalnd with Cindy Crawford
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.

He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together. I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says,"if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

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* Little Gems of Truth
  1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen & Stupidity.
  2. If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you.
  3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  4. Deja MOO: The feeling that you've heard this BULL before.
  5. Psychiatrists say that 1 out of 4 people are mentaly ill. Check out Three Friends, If they are OK-, your it.
  6. Nothing known to man travels faster than a bad check.
  7. Confucious say, " A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn".
  8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  9. Always Remember; PILLAGE before you BURN.
  10. Corollary: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
  11. Corallary: If you are given a take home test, you will forget where you live.
  12. The trouble with doing something right, the first time, is that, No One will appreciate how difficult it was.
  13. It MAY be that your sole purpose in life is to Serve as a warning to others.
  14. Murphy's Law: You can't Fall off of the Floor.
  15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because, the average man can see better than he can think.
  16. Clothes Make The Man: NAKED people have little or no influence in society.
  17. Vital Papers will demonstrate their Vitality by moving from where you left them, to where you can't find them.
  18. The Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan, will not be equally distributed.
  19. Murphy's Law: A .44 Magnum beats 4 Aces.

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* Common Sense Is Not Common

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face , seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, settin g a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the tim e police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

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* Life at University
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."


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