List of My Favorite Oxymorons
Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Airline food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics	Soft rock Butt head Military intelligence Software documentation California culture New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof Temporary tax increase Computer jock Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Pretty ugly And my favorite of the bunch: Microsoft Works

My Husband Is Cheating On Me...
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted.

One Wish Every 10 years!

Two men were sentenced for 20 years to be in a single room with only one wish in each 10 years. The first man asked for as many books as he can put in his room, so he can read these books in next 10 years alone. The second one was a smoker as a habit. He asked for enough quantity of cigarettes for next 10 years. After giving the books and cigarettes, guardians closed and locked their doors. 10 years later it was the time to ask to the prisoners for their second wish for last 10 years. The first man asked for books again and a reading-glass. Then, they opened the door of the second prisoner and found him with all cigarettes and he was insane. They asked him for his second wish for the following 10 years. "Lighter !!!...Lighter!!!" with a screaming voice.

Three Guys Die and Go To Heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another women." St.Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven." The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven." The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven. The three guys go off on their separate ways. A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy#2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He says, "I saw my wife today!" The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?" He answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"

Bumper Stickers

Horn broken. Watch for finger. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. All generalizations are false. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I brake for no apparent reason. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? He who laughs last thinks slowest. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. Born free...Taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Rehab is for quitters. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Montana -- At least our cows are sane! I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the RS.. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. No radio - Already stolen. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? How can I miss you if you won't go away? Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be hppy. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekashun. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Keep honking...I'm reloading. Caution: I drive like you do.

Men Are Like ...

Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off. Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough. Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory. Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Beware of the Bad ol' BadTimes Virus

NEW VIRUS WARNING If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is THE most dangerous Email virus yet. It will rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but: It will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards Reprogram your ATM access code Screw up the tracking on your VCR Use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work It will interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and ,refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid.

Circumcised ... just stick it out till lunchtime

One little boy was 8 yrs old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc). After a few days of recovery the boy went back to school. After about an hour the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse. He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was. She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants. She said "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that" He replied "Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then"

Toddler Property Laws

If I like it, it's mine. If it's in my hand, it's mine. If I can take it from you, it's mine. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. If I saw it first, it's mine. If you are playing with something, and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. If it's broken, it's yours. (No, the pieces are probably still mine.)

Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. the current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster - I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on" he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little - but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two rooster running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself .... "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

You know you're an Internet junkie when:

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher." You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems. You start using smileys in your snail mail. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem, ...and you succeed. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com." All of your friends have an @ in their names. Your cat has its own home page. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You tell the cab driver you live at "<< http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.>>"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronictitiously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Sappho: Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omlette.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.
Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

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