|Everyboday, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody|
This is a story about four peeple named Everyboday, Somebody, Anybody,
There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it.
|The Old Man and his Young Bride|
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
A father goes into the toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie doll for
The clerk shows him three different models.
"This first one is Fashion Barbie, and it costs $19.95."
"This second one is Sportie Barbie and she costs $19.95 also."
Then, showing him the third one says, "And this is Divorced Barbie and she costs $249."
"What? $249....why is this one so much more expensive?"
The clerk replied, "Because she comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's swimming pool, etc."
|BILL CLINTON IS MY SHEPARD...|
BILL CLINTON IS MY SHEPARD WHOM I DO NOT WANT.
HE MAKETH MANY LIES ABOUT GREEN PASTURES.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDES THE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY DOUBTS ABOUT THE DEMOCRATS.
HE LEADTH ME IN THE PATHS OF SOCIALISM FOR HIS NAMESAKE.
YES, I WILL WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEBT, AND I WILL
FEAR MUCH EVIL, FOR HE IS WITH ME.
HILLARY AND HER STAFF DISCOMFORT ME.
HE PREPARES A TAX HIKE FOR ME, TO GIVE PRESENTS TO MINE ENEMIES.
HE ANNOINTED MY WAGES WITH INFLATION SO THAT MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME.
SURELY POVERTY AND HARD TIMES SHALL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS ADMINISTRATION.
AND I WILL DWELL IN A RENTED HUD HOUSE FOREVER.
|Things NOT to say to the nice police officer|
|I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.|
|Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.|
|Aren't you the guy from the Village People?|
|Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me!|
|I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.|
|I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.|
|Bad cop! No donut!|
|You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?|
|Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.|
|Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?|
|Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.|
|Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?|
|I pay your salary!|
|So, uh, you on the take, or what?|
|Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!|
|Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.|
|I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.|
|What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.|
|Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.|
|Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!|
|Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?|
|Sign in a Laundromat||AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT|
|Sign in a London department store:||BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS|
|In an office:||WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN|
|In an office:||AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD|
|Outside a secondhand shop:||WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?|
|Outside a photographer's studio:||OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO|
|Seen at the side of a Sussex road:||SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.|
|Outside a disco:||SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME|
|Notice in a dry cleaner's window:||ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.|
|Sign on motorway garage:||PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.|
|Notice in health food shop window:||CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS|
|Spotted in a safari park:||ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR|
|Seen during a conference:||FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR|
|Message on a leaflet:||IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS|
|Sign on a repair shop door:||WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
|The Truth About Barney|
One of our secret operatives sent us this:
|Fishing and God|
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes
walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center
of the ice and begins to saw a hole.
All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey area!
A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and
asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider
it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next
morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a
thank you note from the priest.
A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
|What Kids Say ...|
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
|Respect on the Golf Course...|
|A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. "The man then replies "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."|
|Make me feel like a woman...|
An airplane is being rocked by violent turbulence. Lightning is
flashing outside and the engines are making a very strange noise. The
captain is speaking to the passengers, but his voice is strained. He
tells them they are trying to find a suitable landing area to get out
of the storm. People are screaming.
One woman yells, "I've been a virgin all my life, and I cannot die like this. Is there a man in here who can make me feel like a woman?"
Only one man raises his hand. He gets out of his seat and walks over to her. He stands in front of her and takes of his shirt. Broad shoulders, strong arms, chisled face.
"You ready to feel like a woman," he asks her.
"Yes," she replies in a husky voice.
He hands her his shirt and says, "Then iron this."
|What is the big deal about a Period? - (Lttle Johnnie IX)|
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When
the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher
was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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