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|Computer Heaven ... Computer Hell|
In Computer Heaven:
In Computer Hell:
|A Fairy Tail For Women in the 90's|
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent,
self assured princess happened upon a frog
in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
|hOw 2 B AnNoYiNg|
|Microsoft conducted an underground nuclear test|
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time."
posted on 14 May 1998 Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.
|Pete Smith, my assistant programmer...|
Sunject: Pete Smith's Performance ReviewPete Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Pete works independetly, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Pete never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assisgnments on time. Often Pete takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Pete is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Pete can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the ty0pe which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Pete be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered
lines (1, 3, 5,.......) for my true assessment of him.
|Actual Quotes from Actual Managers|
|Pity us men.........|
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from
the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.
What did God say after creating man?
What's the difference between Savings Bonds and men?
How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
We are hungry -- women cook.
How do men exercise at the beach?
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a woman?
|Bungie Jumping in Cabo San Lucas!|
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea."
After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding.
Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??"
|Why did the chicken cross the road?|
To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
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